Bible Boners

Some call them inconsistencies, some call them mysteries, some make up ridiculous explanations -- I call them Bible Boners.  These are things that are internally inconsistent, impossible to reconcile, and just plan crazy. It is important to understand that the Bible is a hodge-podge of stories that didn't need to make literal sense to the people hearing them more than 2,000 years ago.  Let's take a look at a few.



The Craziness Starts Here

The book of Genesis has too many boners to list all of them.  I'll just pick out a few of the best ones.

Where did the light come from?

On the first day, God created light, then separated light and darkness (GE 1:3-5) but he didn't create the sun until the fourth day (GE 1:14-19).  So where did the light come from on days 1, 2, and 3?

When were men and women created?

God created men and women on the sixth day ("So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them." GE:27).  But Adam and Eve, the first man and woman, weren't created until much later ("And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul." GE 2:7, 21-22).


Ahab and Jezebel

"I Told Her They Wouldn't Like It, But Did She Listen?"


Oy, being king of Israel isn't all laughs.

As if being named Ahab weren't bad enough, the guy is married to a woman named Jezebel who thinks everyone should worship Baal instead of Yahweh. I can imagine some heated arguments at home.  

Well, the whole Baal thing didn't go over too well with the followers of Yahweh. So they threw her out the window and stomped on her till nothing was left but her skull, feet and hands.  (2 Kings: 9:30 - 9:35)

But the really impressive thing is that Ahab and Jezebel managed to have seventy sons. Seriously? Seventy sons?  I mean, it would be hard enough to have seventy children period, but seventy sons?  Try tossing a coin seventy times and have it always come up heads.

Alas, Ahab's kids were not destined for great things.  They got the axe just like their parents.

(2 Kings 10:1) And Ahab had seventy sons in Samaria.   (2 Kings 10:9)  And it came to pass, when the letter came to them, that they took the king's sons, and slew seventy persons, and put their heads in baskets, and sent him them to Jezreel.

So how many baskets do you need to hold seventy severed heads?  

Ahab looks pissed off.  Is Jezebel up to her old tricks?

Ahab looks pissed off.  Is Jezebel up to her old tricks?


"But I like my foreskin!"

What is with the Bible's obsession with circumcision? It's mentioned hundreds of times starting in Genesis:

(Genesis 34:22) Only herein will the men consent unto us for to dwell with us, to be one people, if every male among us be circumcised, as they are circumcised.

I don't get it.  God made man in His image.  I presume that means God had a foreskin on his all-knowing, all-powerful member.  Why in the world would he create man with a foreskin only to demand that he cut it off?

And age has no bearing. Abraham was circumcised at age 99! (Genesis 17:24) Dude, the horse was out of the barn! But Joshua was not to be out done. 

And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins. (Joshua 5:3)

The "Hill of Foreskins"?  What is that, some kind of landmark?  I can hear the cop giving directions: 'Go straight down this road for a mile and turn left at the Hill of Foreskins'. 

But one thing is for sure, if you ain't circumsized, there will be hell to pay.